Today I've been busy with schoolwork and Tae Kwon Do. The weather outside right now is fantastic! I can't believe that it is already 80 degrees outside! I'm so glad that I live in Michigan.
I've been thinking about these past couple of years and my continuous struggle with Ed and my very small self-esteem. It is horribly difficult to try to break out of this pattern of behavior. Right now its really a way of thinking and not a way of acting. I don't wake up in the mornin and tell myself that I have to try to run 3 miles and put off breakfast for as long as possible. I don't eat five spoonfulls of soup and a piece of bread for dinner and then throw it up. I'm glad that that isn't the norm for me anymore. But, I am still struggling to get this nagging voice out of my head that says " Hey, Molly. You know that you'll never amount to much, right? You are really weak. Your arms SHOULD be a lot stronger. You'll never be a Rescue Swimer in the Coast Guard. You know that you are a detriment to your family and to this world? You're just one out of 6 billion people. You're not special." He says a lot more. I don't hear him much during busy days, but when I'm at home and it is a nasty day and I am feeling like I'm acting lazy (even though I'm really not) he pops in my head and won't go away. I still count calories. Even if I am still hungry, I'll keep counting but I'll keep eating until I'm satisfied. It's taken me 2 years to get THIS far!
Even if you don't have an eating disorder, the way you think, or the way you let the devil talk to you, can really mess up or detract from your life. For me, I have had such low-self esteem that it prevented me from growing spiritually, mentally, and physically. If a girl is obsessed with boys, all her relationships with boys will get in the way of her relationship with her other friends, parents, and God. And, really, she is probably going to be in contact with her parents and friends and not those boys 15 years from now. If you procrastinate with your chores and homework, think that school isn't worth working hard at, or maybe you're just really discouraged because you can't understand some subject, do not give up or slack off! Your primary responsibility right now is to learn as much as you can about this amazing world we live in and prepare for your future. Its not just for good grades. Its not just to have bragging rights. I, actually, would probably choose not to do my schoolwork if it was totally up to me and nobody said I had to, but I am really excited for my future and realize the importance of NOW. If there is no now, there can be no future, right? Now that I'm in the habit of pushing through bad days and lazy days, I have found that work can be very fun!
