Today is Sunday. I went to church with my family this morning and then came home to try to relax. But it is so hard for me to relax. I wrote in my journal around 1:30 because I didn't feel like talking to anybody. Here's what I wrote:
How am I going to be able to do it? How am I going to be able to become a Rescue Swimmer? I'm so weak! I can only do two pull-ups, three on occassion, and one chin-up. I am a slow swimmer. It seems I am twisting my ankle around once every year.* I have an eating disorder. I'm a girl. I cannot do one correct push-up.** I'm not a fast runner. I have decimated my body and I'm afraid of gaining too much weight (Even if it is muscle). I can't do Tae Kwon Do for a long time because my ankle can't take it. I can't run. I can't work out at home to build muscle and endurance. I feel so hypocritical saying that I have beaten this one day and then being in the pit of desair and self-pity the next. How come this is so hard for me, Lord? What are You teaching me? Am I supposed to be quiet and wait on You? I don't want to, but that's what I feel like You want me to do. I'm so focused on my future and so focused on working towards it that I'm ignoring my God and my family now! How am I supposed to be quiet and rest in You? I'm hurting and I'm dreaming. I'm working and, inside, I'm screaming. I'm trying to heal. I work so hard on my schoolwork. I work so hard on trying to show my family my love for them. But I'm missing something huge. I'm missing the joy of being. I'm missing the joy of having God as my Father, my Teacher, my Savior. I have been let down in the past on things that I love. I don't want to be let down again, do I don't get excited about very many things. The things I do get excited about, well, I almost slave over them because I don't want to fail at them. I don't want to be let down. I don't want to have a broken heart over and over again.
* I twisted my ankle two weeks ago.
** Correct push-ups (to me) are when your hands are right below your shoulders and when you go down your elbows bend and almost touch your hips. They are hard!
