Worry, worry, worry.......

Today in church my pastor talked about worry. To tell you the truth, I really didn't feel like listening! Last night my best friend's brother had his 18th birthday party (congratulations Austin!!) and we didn't get home till 11:30, way after I was ready to hit the sack. I was exhausted this morning. Instead of listening to Pastor Gary like I was SUPPOSED to be doing I was trying not to fall asleep. That is, until he said something along the lines of " This is so relevant for people who are struggling with their self-esteem......" WAKE UP CALL!! "Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap (plant or harvest) nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

Worry was really the biggest part of my eating disorder. I worried about what people thought of me: if I was fat,  if I was stupid, if I was ugly and mean. I worried that I wasn't smart enough: if I could have done better, if I was meeting my mom's expectations, if I was "dumber" than other kids. I worried about what I was gonna have for dinner: if I would be expected to eat more than I wanted to, if it was something I was afraid of!! And those are only the main things! Do you know what it is like to be afraid of food? EVERY SINGLE DAY I WOULD SHUT DOWN BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT. After dinner I would sit on the couch, curl up my knees, bend my head, and shut my eyes while I thought "You're fat, you're ugly, you DON'T DESERVE TO EAT." Worry, worry, worry: that was what I did!

Pastor Gary spoke on Matthew 6: 19-34. One of the key verses was "Therefore do not worry, saying,' What are we going to have to eat?' or, 'What are we going to have to drink' or, 'What are we going to have to wear?" Did God have this written just for me? I wouldn't be surprised if He had me in mind when He filled Matthew with the inspiration for this verse!! This is a clear command to NOT WORRY. But worrying is easy, God! We just think of all the bad stuff that could happen and then never stop! What's the big deal? Why can't I worry? Sure, it makes me anxious, unproductive, and it wastes my time.......wait, all those are bad things! And if you really think about it, the vast majority of what you worry about just isn't gonna happen. I'm not fat, I'm  not stupid, I'm not a detriment to my family! I am fear fully and wonderfully made, an amazing creation. And guess what: YOU ARE TOO!!!!!!! God doesn't lie, and I can tell you that from experience. (Just in case you don't believe what I just said, about you being ana amazing creation, check out Psalm 139: 13-15. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth." YOU ARE SPECIAL, PLEASE BELIEVE ME!!

Miss perfectionist

Do you have accomplishments? Things that you are really proud of, such as getting a really high grade, winning a tournament, finally getting the job you have always aspired to, graduating from a university, or anything else? I'm sure you do. I have always been a perfectionist ( oldest child!) and have really tried to go beyond what people expect of me. Except that wasn't what I told myself in my head. My motivation was to be PERFECT, to be the BEST out of everyone. Of course I did really well in my schoolwork, I was (and still am) VERY athletic, and everyone except for my immediate family could've thought I was perfect from how I showed myself to the outside world. BUT I WASN'T SATISFIED!! I wasn't satisfied with being a black belt, being really smart, or even adults commenting that I was "a really sweet young lady." I always wanted more, my accomplishments didn't give me a sense of gladness or even a little pride. I was trying to build up my self-esteem with me, my perfectionist self. But it didn't work because I still expected myself to be the BEST. So I began tearing myself down. In my mind I would tell myself, " You're not good enough, you're ugly, you're stupid, and (gasp) you're FAT." That was what went on in my head 24/7. I'm not exaggerating!!! When I had free time from schoolwork, Tae Kwon Do, and church I would work out or crumple up on my bedroom floor and just cry my eyes out. You have got to realize that this is a painful memory for me! I would tell myself as I sobbed that I was fat and that this world would be better off without me. Have you known that feeling? Please don't let it take over your life, like it did me! God has created ALL people with unfathomable worth. We are all created in the image of GOD.

3..2..1...blastoff!!!!!

Here I am with a blog...my first one.
 I wanted to have this blog because I need to tell my story. I NEED to tell someone else what I've done to myself and how I was saved from dying. I need to tell YOU how powerful and good God is! I need to tell YOU how much He loves you and me!

A couple years ago my mom took me to the mall. I had just finished a playing a soccer game and I was TIRED. I thought I was going to the ladies restroom, but I went into the family lounge instead. Once I figured out that  I was in the wrong place I turned around to leave. I passed by these kids that were messing around with each other, and just when I got in front of them a boy yelled, " WHERE 'YA GOIN' YA FREAK?!?!" That boy crushed my self-esteem. I felt like crying...... but I didn't. I didn't feel like yelling at him because I thought he was right. I ate lunch alone with my mom that day, but I didn't tell her what happened to me.

Today kids are exposed to that kind of negativity at school and they sorta develop a thick skin to stop it from hurting them, but I didn't have that skin! I have been homeschooled my whole life, so I had never experienced ANYTHING like that before. Unfortunately for me, that pain eventually grew so much that I began to kill myself slowly by starving my body. I had an eating disorder ( I call it ED). Today I am a totally different person because of my experience. I am so much more joyful. I am so much more grateful for my life and my family then I ever was before. If you met me today you wouldn't guess that I have had anorexia and bulimia at the same time. This blog is my way of telling the world of my brokeness and imperfection, and of telling the world about God's love and totally awesome power.