I feel SO BAD.

Right now I'm feeling anxious. I just feel like curling up in ball and crying. Why, God?!? Why? I went to a Christmas party this afternoon and it was supposed to be fun. But I threw up. I was doing so well! I hadn't thrown up voluntarily for months!(a few weeks ago I was legitimately nauseous) But today I did. I thought I was done with this. Why won't it just go away? I want it to go away!

This morning I ate a good breakfast and then we drove 3 hours to the Detroit area. At the party I tried to eat what I needed, but I ate too much. Unfortunately, this post is going to center around food. Whenever I get anxious that is all I can think about (how many calories I consumed, how much everyone else ate, etc.). I tried not to think about throwing up while I played "Apples to Apples," but I couldn't do it! After about a half an hour I got up, nonchalantly walked to the restroom, and....did it. I didn't throw up a lot, but I still feel really bad. l: (

I haven't told my mom yet. I know I should tell her, because if I didn't I would be lying and I might fall back on this bad thing more often and not on God. But I'm SO SCARED!!! Won't she be mad at me? Does this mean I have to start all over again? Why can't I accept that my mom loves me?

My mom won't be mad at me, but she will be sad. Her little girl still doesn't feel good in her own God-given body! Her little girl is hurting! I will try to tell her tonight. I will probably cry, but it will be from relief and a feeling that my family and God love me NO MATTER WHAT. I'm sure of this because it has already happened a few times!

Conquer the lies!

I have heard so many lies in my relatively short life - and, unfortunately, I have also told some. I do not like it at all when someone lies to me! Do you know that it is VERY easy to lie to yourself, and it is also possible to believe those lies? I lie to myself all the time. It is really hard for me to not to! I think I have been lying to myself for my whole life. Idon't remember what I told my self when I was younger, but I do know that I wasn't sure what to think of myself. Was I supposed to hate myself, since I am a sinner and my sin put God on a cross? Or was I supposed to love myself and have fun since I was still so young? As I got into my early teen years those questions just got more specific.

I try to keep a journal, and here is one of my entries:

Nov. 26, Monday, 2012
Am I fat? Why won't this worry go away?!? I am exactly 5 ft. 8in. and approximately 130 lbs. I consumed about 2,850 calories today, but I did Tae Kwon Do, diving, and swim practice -  I was very active.
   Am I fat? Am I fat? Am I fat? Something in my head keeps on saying, "You are fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat. You are terribleat Tae Kwon Do. You are a horrible swimmer. You are weak, and you are getting weaker. I'll prove it - today you could barely do one pull-up, and a few weeks ago you could do four!"
   LORD, why do I think this?!? Please banish Satan from my mind!?! You created me in Your amazing image. How dare I say that anything You have created is utterly worthless? Im so sorry LORD. Please reassure me that I am not fat, not weak, if it is Your will. Thank You for hearing my prayer Father. All the glory and honor and praisego to You forever and ever! You have done many miracles in this life You have given to me. Thank You so much for dying in my stead, Jesus. Thank you for giving me new life. I love You, LORD! Oh Mighty God, You are the only One who deserves my life - my utmost love, affection, adoration, praise, and loyalty.
   Debunking Satan's lies:
1. The Lie: You are fat - hopelessly FAT!
    The Truth: Look in the mirror - from a third person perspective. Is there really any logical reason to believe that I am fat? NO. People have (unknowingly) described me as wiry. No one has ever told me (mom, dad, doctors, nurse, coaches, etc.) that I need to lose weight. Victory #1!
2. The Lie: You are terrible at TKD.
    The Truth: Really? This AFTERNOON at  TKD Mr.Sidney told a littel girl to watch me do my form and try to emulate the enunciated and strong techniques. I have been on the Demo Team. Sure, I need to work on some things, but PERFECTION is not expected - it is IMPOSSIBLE!
3. The Lie: You are a horrible swimmer.
    The Truth: Again, REALLY?!?! My peers, my swim coach say that I am a GOOD swimmer. There are some things I need to work on, as I have never swam competitively before. But, again, perfection is not expected, nor is it expected. I'm getting better and I am having fun.
4. The Lie: You are weak.
    The Truth: O.K, this one is plausible. I'm not as strong as I want to be (physically speaking), but I'm not as thin or as weak as a twig! However, the LORD has blessed me with a strong mind and a strong stomach. And, guess what! You can get stronger physically, Molly! Look at where you were 6 months ago and compare it to where you are now. A lot of improvement, right?

This is how I conquer the lies!

Today's a good day.

Today is my birthday! I'm turning 15. My mom gave me the best present that I could have received today. She bought me a "look and find" book based on the movie "BRAVE" and turned it into a scrapbook! Inside it were photos of me with family members or friends and also letters of encouragement, memories of me, or affirmation from those people. Thank you, Mom, for putting that together! And thank you, also, to everyone who contributed to it! I LOVE IT!!  (If you are wondering why my mom chose "BRAVE," I should tell you that my hair looks like Merida's and I love the Celtic/Irish/Scottish culture)
       
I'm glad that I had a birthday, and I'm glad that I could enjoy it. Last year was probably the hardest year of my life, and when I turned 14 last December I wasn't sure if I wanted to live anymore. This morning I went to Pine Rest, in Holland, to meet with my counselor, Krista. I was raining and snowing on the way there, but none of the snow stuck. :( Last time I saw Krista  I was feeling pretty anxious, but today I could honestly tell her that I felt wonderful.

I'm amazed at what I'm writing - hardly a year ago I couldn't eat without feeling an almost animal need to throw up, I couldn't smile, I didn't want to get up in the morning sometimes. And now, a year later, I am filled with an inexplicable joy! How did this happen? One thing I kno for sure is that I  didn't and couldn't do it alone. My mom and dad never gave up, even when I wanted to just die. My mom showed me this afternoon the website of Eating Disorder Hope. I had no idea that this organization existed, but I think it is great! They have so many stories of women who have gone through eating disorders, and they have so much information on support groups, counselors, and programs that can help those with eating disorders or low self-esteem.www.eatingdisorderhope.com