Right now I'm feeling anxious. I just feel like curling up in ball and crying. Why, God?!? Why? I went to a Christmas party this afternoon and it was supposed to be fun. But I threw up. I was doing so well! I hadn't thrown up voluntarily for months!(a few weeks ago I was legitimately nauseous) But today I did. I thought I was done with this. Why won't it just go away? I want it to go away!
This morning I ate a good breakfast and then we drove 3 hours to the Detroit area. At the party I tried to eat what I needed, but I ate too much. Unfortunately, this post is going to center around food. Whenever I get anxious that is all I can think about (how many calories I consumed, how much everyone else ate, etc.). I tried not to think about throwing up while I played "Apples to Apples," but I couldn't do it! After about a half an hour I got up, nonchalantly walked to the restroom, and....did it. I didn't throw up a lot, but I still feel really bad. l: (
I haven't told my mom yet. I know I should tell her, because if I didn't I would be lying and I might fall back on this bad thing more often and not on God. But I'm SO SCARED!!! Won't she be mad at me? Does this mean I have to start all over again? Why can't I accept that my mom loves me?
My mom won't be mad at me, but she will be sad. Her little girl still doesn't feel good in her own God-given body! Her little girl is hurting! I will try to tell her tonight. I will probably cry, but it will be from relief and a feeling that my family and God love me NO MATTER WHAT. I'm sure of this because it has already happened a few times!
Dear Molly,
ReplyDeleteThank you for telling us about your struggles and setbacks. I truly feel honored that you can come to me and express to me your thoughts and feelings. You are Loved very much no matter what and please do not forget that fact! You are not "starting over". You have come a long way in your recovery and your dad and I will continue to encourage and love you no matter what.
Isaiah 55:12
Love,
Mom