Ed's back.

This weekend was supposed to be fun. But it wasn't. My great-grandma turned 100 on the 15th of November and we had a big family reunion and actually a couple parties/dinners. A bunch of my cousins, 2nd, 3rd, and whatever other cousins were there - and the hotel had a pool. Fun, right? It would have been fun for me if ED hadn't come back for three days.

"Guess what, Molly, you're FAT. There is nothing you can do about it, other than eating nothing and working out," said ED, "even if you do that you will still be a worthless human being - no, you wouldn't even deserve to be called human. Since all the amazing women out there are so much thinner and stronger than you I don't think you will ever be able to be amazing, unless you can be thinner than THEM." That was what I was thinking sub-conciously as I tried to eat normally. That was what I was thinking as I watched my siblings and cousins run off and play (or hang out) together. I was the odd one out, the fat one, the lonely one. I HATED THAT!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? Why do I think this way? It is not good. I should be happy with WHO I am. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I am a person. Why can't I accept this?


"YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, ETC." Constantly. Sometimes I hate my life. When I weighed only 105 lbs. (I was 5'8") I was on the verge of death. I just wanted to go. I didn't care about what my family and friends would feel. "GOD, just take me away!"


Do you know what it is like to hate yourself? To hate yourself so much that you abuse yourself mentally and starve your body? There are so many ways that people hurt themselves, and this is one of them. Does no one care? Does anybody like me enough to want me to be their friend, or, in the future, a wife?Do I have any value? Would it matter to ANYONE if I just died right now? These kinds of thoughts go through SOOOOO many people's minds today. If that is you, please don't give up! You have so much to offer the world. If you are in a VERY, VERY tough situation your fight will be very, very hard, but the victory will be SOOOOOO rewarding and amazing. Think about someone who you are very close with. If you aren't that close to anyone, then think of some one you know who you are certain you can trust with a tough problem. You have to tell someone. When I told my mom on the way to the ER that I was worried about my weight I was so scared, I was so intimidated by my fears. Confiding in someone will NOT be easy - I repeat, NOT. But it will help you. You will get help to pull you out of your pain and suffering if you ask the right person. You don't even have to make big steps at first - just as long as you are trying to change (yourself or your surroundings - in most cases) or being forced to change. At one point my mom and dad really had to push me to eat. I didn't want to eat, and I was REALLY upset when they wouldn't let me just not eat

I was almost back to this stage at my Great-Grandma's birthday party. If you can believe it, it was really because I had forgotten my anti-depressant meds! Now that I feel better I'm laughing at myself. I don't want to be on those meds right now, but I REALLY don't want to let ED come back and terrorize me again.