November 25, 2013

Where has my life gone? I've been reading my past journals lately when I have extra time, and I've begun remembering things that I thought I had forgotten. I am no longer a child - my childhood is gone. And I spent the last two years of it worrying about my weight and alternately starving and throwing up and working out. I stole my own childhood from myself - and I can never get it back. I miss being a "carefree" eight-year old terribly. I miss the connection I had with my siblings. I miss the innocence of my thoughts. I miss the fun, energetic times I had with Sean, Sara, and my friends. I miss when I could play with Barbies and then with Matchbox cars. I miss the Molly I knew. Who am I? Am I Molly, or am I a monster who has destroyed her love of life?

Enough?

October 12, Saturday, 2013
Does everybody have insecurities? Because sometimes I feel like I am all alone.

I was feeling sort of depressed today, so I guess I dumped on God a little bit:

 

 

     God, do I really have value? What is my purpose? Why its this life so hard? Why do I feel so ugly, fat, stupid, and mean? Why can't I be.............??......



     I just thought of something: I don't have a specific image of how I want to be. I remember pictures of women who are thin and look like they are the fittest people on earth, but do I want to look like that and be like them? This has not really hit me before. All that I have been thinking is that I'm not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, or pretty enough the way I am. Is this a problem? What's the point of beating myself up if I don't know what my specific offense was? I only do that because I am bombarded with the message "You are not          enough" from resources all over the place: the Internet, ads in the store, in newspapers, in magazines, and the TV. I also do this because I fear that I will not be able to reach my goals. It is my fault that I believe these messages, but why do they keep on coming back and destroying me?

      Those ladies on the front covers of magazines portray to the world what the ultimate body should look like, they aren't just what is A way, they are THE way. And if I don't look like that, well, am I worth anything?

     Those weight loss ads tell you how to lose so much weight in so much time. That makes me feel like I need to lose weight. And if I don't lose any weight, well, am I fat?

     Make-up ads tell me that I will be beautiful if I use their products. And if I don't use their products or wear any make-up at all, am I ugly?

      All the competition around me tells me that if I don't have a good enough grade, I won't reach my goals for my future. If I struggle a little bit in one subject, does that mean that I'm stupid and will never become successful in any good way?

     Photos of REALLY muscular people tell me that if I don't have a six-pack or if I'm not tan or if I can't do a ton of push-ups or sit-ups or squats, then I am weak and always will be. And if I don't look like that woman, does that mean that I can never be a rescue swimmer? Does that mean that I am weak? 

     God, what is up with me?!!? Haven't Christians always been the "perfect" people?

 

When I realized that I didn't have a specific image that I wanted to be in a month, or in a year, I finally realized that those women on magazines are not role-models to the people who read about them. Or just look at them. They are just images to me. I know that they are real people created by

God. I'm trying to point out that those images have no important impact on my life for the good. So why do I take these subtle messages to heart? Well, they are lies, and often lies are easier to believe than the truth. I've believed the lies for so long, that I don't know how to believe and keep on acting on the truth 100% of the time.

     And what is the truth? Well, the truth is that I am a tiny little human being. The truth is that I have no special powers. The truth is that there is a God who is in charge of everything. He did not give me this. He let it happen for a reason. If my God is letting me go through this really hard trial for a reason, then I would think that His reason has importance. So the truth is that I have nothing special to give to anyone unless it is backed up by God. That might sound depressing, but it means that I can become a great person and don't have to wear myself out trying to be "good enough." !!!

Remember

     I just realized something today that I had always know but never really understood - this body is not me, my body does not belong to myself.

     I'm at my great-grandma's cabin in the Upper Peninsula with my family and one of my friends and I have unfortunately been focusing on what I have been eating for most of this week. I was questioning God this afternoon. "Why did I have to have an eating disorder? Why me? Why does this have to be so hard and last so long? This will probably be something that I will struggle with for most of my life. Couldn't I serve You better if I didn't have this problem?"

     Whenever I start questioning God and go at it for a little while I realize that I'm not letting Him get any words in, so I shut up. I can't hear God audibly, but I do hear Him through Truth. If I let myself hear the truth and pay attention to it, I hear God. Because truth is God's language. "Molly, you are my child. And I am the Almighty God. Do you really think that I would have given you this thorn if it were not for some purpose? I love you." "Molly, I made you. You have no reason to fear about how your body looks, some fat on your belly or not. Your body isn't you. You have seen what men look like when they have died. You have seen it in you brother's friend, Gerrit, and you have seen it in your Memere. They are not there. Who you are is your spirit, your soul, your personality, your mind. Even if your body was wrecked beyond all recognition, you would still be you." "I am the One who gives life, Molly. I made your body, so it really belongs to me. I'm letting you borrow it, please take care of it and use it to glorify me to the best of its ability, and I will bless your work."

     I came to the library sort of stressed out. I decided to write what I had heard today so that I could remember. It is important to remember what God says to you, because that is the most important conversation you could ever have.

Journal June 9, Sunday, 2013

Today is Sunday. I went to church with my family this morning and then came home to try to relax. But it is so hard for me to relax. I wrote in my journal around 1:30 because I didn't feel like talking to anybody. Here's what I wrote:

How am I going to be able to do it? How am I going to be able to become a Rescue Swimmer? I'm so weak! I can only do two  pull-ups, three on occassion, and one chin-up. I am a slow swimmer. It seems I am twisting my ankle around once every year.* I have an eating disorder. I'm a girl. I cannot do one correct push-up.** I'm not a fast runner. I have decimated my body and I'm afraid of gaining too much weight (Even if it is muscle). I can't do Tae Kwon Do for a long time because my ankle can't take it. I can't run. I can't work out at home to build muscle and endurance. I feel so hypocritical saying that I have beaten this one day and then being in the pit of desair and self-pity the next. How come this is so hard for me, Lord? What are You teaching me? Am I supposed to be quiet and wait on You? I don't want to, but that's what I feel like You want me to do. I'm so focused on my future and so focused on working towards it that I'm ignoring my God and my family now! How am I supposed to be quiet and rest in You? I'm hurting and I'm dreaming. I'm working and, inside, I'm screaming. I'm trying to heal. I work so hard on my schoolwork. I work so hard on trying to show my family my love for them. But I'm  missing something huge. I'm missing the joy of being. I'm missing the joy of having God as my Father, my Teacher, my Savior. I have been let down in the past on things that I love. I don't want to be let down again, do I don't get excited about very many things. The things I do get excited about, well, I almost slave over them because I don't want to fail at them. I don't want to be let down. I don't want to have a broken heart over and over again.

* I twisted my ankle two weeks ago.
** Correct push-ups (to me) are when your hands are right below your shoulders and when you go down your elbows bend and almost touch your hips. They are hard!

The way you think actually is important

Today I've been busy with schoolwork and Tae Kwon Do. The weather outside right now is fantastic! I can't believe that it is already 80 degrees outside! I'm so glad that I live in Michigan.

I've been thinking about these past couple of years and my continuous struggle with Ed and my very small self-esteem. It is horribly difficult to try to break out of this pattern of behavior. Right now its really a way of thinking and not a way of acting. I don't wake up in the mornin and tell myself that I have to try to run 3 miles and put off  breakfast for as long as possible. I don't eat five spoonfulls of soup and a piece of bread for dinner and then throw it up. I'm glad that that isn't the norm for me anymore. But, I am still struggling to get this nagging voice out of my head that says " Hey, Molly. You know that you'll never amount to much, right? You are really weak. Your arms SHOULD be a lot stronger. You'll never be a Rescue Swimer in the Coast Guard. You know that you are a detriment to your family and to this world? You're just one out of 6 billion people. You're not special." He says a lot more. I don't hear him much during busy days, but when I'm at home and it is a nasty day and I am feeling like I'm acting lazy (even though I'm really not) he pops in my head and won't go away. I still count calories. Even if I am still hungry, I'll keep counting but I'll keep eating until I'm satisfied. It's taken me 2 years to get THIS far!

Even if you don't have an eating disorder, the way you think, or the way you let the devil talk to you, can really mess up or detract from your life. For me, I have had such low-self esteem that it prevented me from growing spiritually, mentally, and physically. If a girl is obsessed with boys, all her relationships with boys will get in the way of her relationship with her other friends, parents, and God. And, really, she is probably going to be in contact with her parents and friends and not those boys 15 years from now. If you procrastinate with your chores and homework, think that school isn't worth working hard at, or maybe you're just really discouraged because you can't understand some subject, do not give up or slack off! Your primary responsibility right now is to learn as much as you can about this amazing world we live in and prepare for your future. Its not just for good grades. Its not just to have bragging rights. I, actually, would probably choose not to do my schoolwork if it was totally up to me and nobody said I had to, but I am really excited for my future and realize the importance of NOW. If there is no now, there can be no future, right? Now that I'm in the habit of pushing through bad days and lazy days, I have found that work can be very fun!

March 2, Saturday, 2013

  Ed (eating disorder): "Molly, you ate way too much today. You know that full feeling? It means you're FAT. Oh, and you don't just need the feeling to know. You see all that flab on your belly? It's a belly. I know you don't like that word. You call your belly your stomach to feel better. But you're just decieving yourself! You're weak. You can never, ever, ever be strong. You might as well not try. You can never be a rescue swimmer. Only 2 women have ever achieved it and they never had an eating disorder and they were never fat - like you are! At lunch you ate way too much. It proved that you weren't anxious but now guess what you did? You just made yourself fatter! You just put yourself further away from your goal......not like you could ever achieve it anyway........."

Molly: "Just go away! I don't want you anymore. I feel fat. Why is it like you are always right? Why won't you just leave forever? Go away!"

Ed: "I won't go away! You ate far too much ate dinner too. All those croutons? They're LOADED with fat and carbs. There was only a little soup, but how many calories are in it? You don't know? Then you obviously have to add some extra calories on your total count........ you don't want to underestimate, do you? That'll just lead you to overeating every day."

Molly: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!" (groaning/screaming in my head) "I'm fat!  I'm not worth anything. Why won't you go away? I already believe you ! I don't want to, but I do!"

Ed: "Throw up, Molly. It won't hurt you. You'll feel better. It'll make you stronger, thinner, prettier. Just do it. No one will find  out. No one sees  you.

Molly: " No, no, NO!! I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO GET HEALTHY AGAIN. THE LORD HAS DONE SOOOO MCH FOR ME! I AM NOT, I REPEAT, I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE!! I AM FED UP WITH  YOU. GO AWAY, OR I'LL KICK YOU OUT. RIGHT NOW! LEAVE, SATAN. IN THE HOLY NAME OF MY LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST, I COMMAND YOU TO BE GONE!! I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT TOLERATE  YOUR LIES!