I feel SO BAD.

Right now I'm feeling anxious. I just feel like curling up in ball and crying. Why, God?!? Why? I went to a Christmas party this afternoon and it was supposed to be fun. But I threw up. I was doing so well! I hadn't thrown up voluntarily for months!(a few weeks ago I was legitimately nauseous) But today I did. I thought I was done with this. Why won't it just go away? I want it to go away!

This morning I ate a good breakfast and then we drove 3 hours to the Detroit area. At the party I tried to eat what I needed, but I ate too much. Unfortunately, this post is going to center around food. Whenever I get anxious that is all I can think about (how many calories I consumed, how much everyone else ate, etc.). I tried not to think about throwing up while I played "Apples to Apples," but I couldn't do it! After about a half an hour I got up, nonchalantly walked to the restroom, and....did it. I didn't throw up a lot, but I still feel really bad. l: (

I haven't told my mom yet. I know I should tell her, because if I didn't I would be lying and I might fall back on this bad thing more often and not on God. But I'm SO SCARED!!! Won't she be mad at me? Does this mean I have to start all over again? Why can't I accept that my mom loves me?

My mom won't be mad at me, but she will be sad. Her little girl still doesn't feel good in her own God-given body! Her little girl is hurting! I will try to tell her tonight. I will probably cry, but it will be from relief and a feeling that my family and God love me NO MATTER WHAT. I'm sure of this because it has already happened a few times!

Conquer the lies!

I have heard so many lies in my relatively short life - and, unfortunately, I have also told some. I do not like it at all when someone lies to me! Do you know that it is VERY easy to lie to yourself, and it is also possible to believe those lies? I lie to myself all the time. It is really hard for me to not to! I think I have been lying to myself for my whole life. Idon't remember what I told my self when I was younger, but I do know that I wasn't sure what to think of myself. Was I supposed to hate myself, since I am a sinner and my sin put God on a cross? Or was I supposed to love myself and have fun since I was still so young? As I got into my early teen years those questions just got more specific.

I try to keep a journal, and here is one of my entries:

Nov. 26, Monday, 2012
Am I fat? Why won't this worry go away?!? I am exactly 5 ft. 8in. and approximately 130 lbs. I consumed about 2,850 calories today, but I did Tae Kwon Do, diving, and swim practice -  I was very active.
   Am I fat? Am I fat? Am I fat? Something in my head keeps on saying, "You are fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat. You are terribleat Tae Kwon Do. You are a horrible swimmer. You are weak, and you are getting weaker. I'll prove it - today you could barely do one pull-up, and a few weeks ago you could do four!"
   LORD, why do I think this?!? Please banish Satan from my mind!?! You created me in Your amazing image. How dare I say that anything You have created is utterly worthless? Im so sorry LORD. Please reassure me that I am not fat, not weak, if it is Your will. Thank You for hearing my prayer Father. All the glory and honor and praisego to You forever and ever! You have done many miracles in this life You have given to me. Thank You so much for dying in my stead, Jesus. Thank you for giving me new life. I love You, LORD! Oh Mighty God, You are the only One who deserves my life - my utmost love, affection, adoration, praise, and loyalty.
   Debunking Satan's lies:
1. The Lie: You are fat - hopelessly FAT!
    The Truth: Look in the mirror - from a third person perspective. Is there really any logical reason to believe that I am fat? NO. People have (unknowingly) described me as wiry. No one has ever told me (mom, dad, doctors, nurse, coaches, etc.) that I need to lose weight. Victory #1!
2. The Lie: You are terrible at TKD.
    The Truth: Really? This AFTERNOON at  TKD Mr.Sidney told a littel girl to watch me do my form and try to emulate the enunciated and strong techniques. I have been on the Demo Team. Sure, I need to work on some things, but PERFECTION is not expected - it is IMPOSSIBLE!
3. The Lie: You are a horrible swimmer.
    The Truth: Again, REALLY?!?! My peers, my swim coach say that I am a GOOD swimmer. There are some things I need to work on, as I have never swam competitively before. But, again, perfection is not expected, nor is it expected. I'm getting better and I am having fun.
4. The Lie: You are weak.
    The Truth: O.K, this one is plausible. I'm not as strong as I want to be (physically speaking), but I'm not as thin or as weak as a twig! However, the LORD has blessed me with a strong mind and a strong stomach. And, guess what! You can get stronger physically, Molly! Look at where you were 6 months ago and compare it to where you are now. A lot of improvement, right?

This is how I conquer the lies!

Today's a good day.

Today is my birthday! I'm turning 15. My mom gave me the best present that I could have received today. She bought me a "look and find" book based on the movie "BRAVE" and turned it into a scrapbook! Inside it were photos of me with family members or friends and also letters of encouragement, memories of me, or affirmation from those people. Thank you, Mom, for putting that together! And thank you, also, to everyone who contributed to it! I LOVE IT!!  (If you are wondering why my mom chose "BRAVE," I should tell you that my hair looks like Merida's and I love the Celtic/Irish/Scottish culture)
       
I'm glad that I had a birthday, and I'm glad that I could enjoy it. Last year was probably the hardest year of my life, and when I turned 14 last December I wasn't sure if I wanted to live anymore. This morning I went to Pine Rest, in Holland, to meet with my counselor, Krista. I was raining and snowing on the way there, but none of the snow stuck. :( Last time I saw Krista  I was feeling pretty anxious, but today I could honestly tell her that I felt wonderful.

I'm amazed at what I'm writing - hardly a year ago I couldn't eat without feeling an almost animal need to throw up, I couldn't smile, I didn't want to get up in the morning sometimes. And now, a year later, I am filled with an inexplicable joy! How did this happen? One thing I kno for sure is that I  didn't and couldn't do it alone. My mom and dad never gave up, even when I wanted to just die. My mom showed me this afternoon the website of Eating Disorder Hope. I had no idea that this organization existed, but I think it is great! They have so many stories of women who have gone through eating disorders, and they have so much information on support groups, counselors, and programs that can help those with eating disorders or low self-esteem.www.eatingdisorderhope.com

Ed's back.

This weekend was supposed to be fun. But it wasn't. My great-grandma turned 100 on the 15th of November and we had a big family reunion and actually a couple parties/dinners. A bunch of my cousins, 2nd, 3rd, and whatever other cousins were there - and the hotel had a pool. Fun, right? It would have been fun for me if ED hadn't come back for three days.

"Guess what, Molly, you're FAT. There is nothing you can do about it, other than eating nothing and working out," said ED, "even if you do that you will still be a worthless human being - no, you wouldn't even deserve to be called human. Since all the amazing women out there are so much thinner and stronger than you I don't think you will ever be able to be amazing, unless you can be thinner than THEM." That was what I was thinking sub-conciously as I tried to eat normally. That was what I was thinking as I watched my siblings and cousins run off and play (or hang out) together. I was the odd one out, the fat one, the lonely one. I HATED THAT!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? Why do I think this way? It is not good. I should be happy with WHO I am. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I am a person. Why can't I accept this?


"YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, ETC." Constantly. Sometimes I hate my life. When I weighed only 105 lbs. (I was 5'8") I was on the verge of death. I just wanted to go. I didn't care about what my family and friends would feel. "GOD, just take me away!"


Do you know what it is like to hate yourself? To hate yourself so much that you abuse yourself mentally and starve your body? There are so many ways that people hurt themselves, and this is one of them. Does no one care? Does anybody like me enough to want me to be their friend, or, in the future, a wife?Do I have any value? Would it matter to ANYONE if I just died right now? These kinds of thoughts go through SOOOOO many people's minds today. If that is you, please don't give up! You have so much to offer the world. If you are in a VERY, VERY tough situation your fight will be very, very hard, but the victory will be SOOOOOO rewarding and amazing. Think about someone who you are very close with. If you aren't that close to anyone, then think of some one you know who you are certain you can trust with a tough problem. You have to tell someone. When I told my mom on the way to the ER that I was worried about my weight I was so scared, I was so intimidated by my fears. Confiding in someone will NOT be easy - I repeat, NOT. But it will help you. You will get help to pull you out of your pain and suffering if you ask the right person. You don't even have to make big steps at first - just as long as you are trying to change (yourself or your surroundings - in most cases) or being forced to change. At one point my mom and dad really had to push me to eat. I didn't want to eat, and I was REALLY upset when they wouldn't let me just not eat

I was almost back to this stage at my Great-Grandma's birthday party. If you can believe it, it was really because I had forgotten my anti-depressant meds! Now that I feel better I'm laughing at myself. I don't want to be on those meds right now, but I REALLY don't want to let ED come back and terrorize me again.   

Why this hypocrit is still alive.

     Do you think that Christians are just hypocrits? That they say they believe one thing but then act in a totally opposite way and try to justify it? Many people who claim to be Christ-followers are very hypocritical, but there are so many true Christians that really do practice what they preach.

I'll admit it - until this spring I was a hypocrit. I went to church. I went to Sunday School (not a cool name for us high-schoolers) and I went to youth group. I prayed before my meals. I didn't swear, I didn't take God's name in vain, and I didn't wear provoking clothes. I was all set right? I was good, I gave a little money, and I thought that I didn't have to do anything other than pray occasionally and obey the 10 commandments. WELL, GUESS WHAT, MOLLY, you weren't living like you expected everyone else to live!! When I confronted my brother and sister about the stabbing remarks they shot at each other I guess I forgot how often I had hit them or teased them beyond their tolerance level. When I got mad at my brother for reading instead of doing his schoolwork I forgot about how ofen I played games on my iPod when I should've been doing something else. Who likes to see that (besides the devil)?

I think that the worst thing I did was misrepresent God's holy name. Just take this for example:
    Let's say that your closest friend did something horrible, like stealing, murdering someone, assaulting a young child, or blowing up a building. That would be bad enough, but this person also claimed (consistently) that YOU had told him/her to do it, that they were doing it to glorify you. Believe it or not, this is basically what I was doing to God. No, I haven't killed or assaulted anyone. I have stolen a pack of gum and money on different occasions though.  l: (  I have also hurt my siblings physically and emotionally, I have thought I was better than all the people I have ever met, and I have alienated people among other things - claiming that I was a Christian!

Now this is the amazing part- God loves ME!!!! How could God- the perfect, all-powerful creator, the God who can bring the dead to life and can make the deaf hear- love me after all I had done? God is good, how could He love me after all the bad I had done? I have NO idea why He loves me so much, but I do know that He sent His Son to die a tortured and humiliating death so that I could live forever with Him. I do know that He changed my life and filled me with so much joy. I do know that He will do this for ANYONE who asks Him to and makes an effort to change. My awesome God saved me from dying, that is why I live for Him. I live only because of Him.!!

Worry, worry, worry.......

Today in church my pastor talked about worry. To tell you the truth, I really didn't feel like listening! Last night my best friend's brother had his 18th birthday party (congratulations Austin!!) and we didn't get home till 11:30, way after I was ready to hit the sack. I was exhausted this morning. Instead of listening to Pastor Gary like I was SUPPOSED to be doing I was trying not to fall asleep. That is, until he said something along the lines of " This is so relevant for people who are struggling with their self-esteem......" WAKE UP CALL!! "Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap (plant or harvest) nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

Worry was really the biggest part of my eating disorder. I worried about what people thought of me: if I was fat,  if I was stupid, if I was ugly and mean. I worried that I wasn't smart enough: if I could have done better, if I was meeting my mom's expectations, if I was "dumber" than other kids. I worried about what I was gonna have for dinner: if I would be expected to eat more than I wanted to, if it was something I was afraid of!! And those are only the main things! Do you know what it is like to be afraid of food? EVERY SINGLE DAY I WOULD SHUT DOWN BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT. After dinner I would sit on the couch, curl up my knees, bend my head, and shut my eyes while I thought "You're fat, you're ugly, you DON'T DESERVE TO EAT." Worry, worry, worry: that was what I did!

Pastor Gary spoke on Matthew 6: 19-34. One of the key verses was "Therefore do not worry, saying,' What are we going to have to eat?' or, 'What are we going to have to drink' or, 'What are we going to have to wear?" Did God have this written just for me? I wouldn't be surprised if He had me in mind when He filled Matthew with the inspiration for this verse!! This is a clear command to NOT WORRY. But worrying is easy, God! We just think of all the bad stuff that could happen and then never stop! What's the big deal? Why can't I worry? Sure, it makes me anxious, unproductive, and it wastes my time.......wait, all those are bad things! And if you really think about it, the vast majority of what you worry about just isn't gonna happen. I'm not fat, I'm  not stupid, I'm not a detriment to my family! I am fear fully and wonderfully made, an amazing creation. And guess what: YOU ARE TOO!!!!!!! God doesn't lie, and I can tell you that from experience. (Just in case you don't believe what I just said, about you being ana amazing creation, check out Psalm 139: 13-15. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth." YOU ARE SPECIAL, PLEASE BELIEVE ME!!

Miss perfectionist

Do you have accomplishments? Things that you are really proud of, such as getting a really high grade, winning a tournament, finally getting the job you have always aspired to, graduating from a university, or anything else? I'm sure you do. I have always been a perfectionist ( oldest child!) and have really tried to go beyond what people expect of me. Except that wasn't what I told myself in my head. My motivation was to be PERFECT, to be the BEST out of everyone. Of course I did really well in my schoolwork, I was (and still am) VERY athletic, and everyone except for my immediate family could've thought I was perfect from how I showed myself to the outside world. BUT I WASN'T SATISFIED!! I wasn't satisfied with being a black belt, being really smart, or even adults commenting that I was "a really sweet young lady." I always wanted more, my accomplishments didn't give me a sense of gladness or even a little pride. I was trying to build up my self-esteem with me, my perfectionist self. But it didn't work because I still expected myself to be the BEST. So I began tearing myself down. In my mind I would tell myself, " You're not good enough, you're ugly, you're stupid, and (gasp) you're FAT." That was what went on in my head 24/7. I'm not exaggerating!!! When I had free time from schoolwork, Tae Kwon Do, and church I would work out or crumple up on my bedroom floor and just cry my eyes out. You have got to realize that this is a painful memory for me! I would tell myself as I sobbed that I was fat and that this world would be better off without me. Have you known that feeling? Please don't let it take over your life, like it did me! God has created ALL people with unfathomable worth. We are all created in the image of GOD.

3..2..1...blastoff!!!!!

Here I am with a blog...my first one.
 I wanted to have this blog because I need to tell my story. I NEED to tell someone else what I've done to myself and how I was saved from dying. I need to tell YOU how powerful and good God is! I need to tell YOU how much He loves you and me!

A couple years ago my mom took me to the mall. I had just finished a playing a soccer game and I was TIRED. I thought I was going to the ladies restroom, but I went into the family lounge instead. Once I figured out that  I was in the wrong place I turned around to leave. I passed by these kids that were messing around with each other, and just when I got in front of them a boy yelled, " WHERE 'YA GOIN' YA FREAK?!?!" That boy crushed my self-esteem. I felt like crying...... but I didn't. I didn't feel like yelling at him because I thought he was right. I ate lunch alone with my mom that day, but I didn't tell her what happened to me.

Today kids are exposed to that kind of negativity at school and they sorta develop a thick skin to stop it from hurting them, but I didn't have that skin! I have been homeschooled my whole life, so I had never experienced ANYTHING like that before. Unfortunately for me, that pain eventually grew so much that I began to kill myself slowly by starving my body. I had an eating disorder ( I call it ED). Today I am a totally different person because of my experience. I am so much more joyful. I am so much more grateful for my life and my family then I ever was before. If you met me today you wouldn't guess that I have had anorexia and bulimia at the same time. This blog is my way of telling the world of my brokeness and imperfection, and of telling the world about God's love and totally awesome power.